I get calls from men and women who have been in marriage counseling for
years. You would think that after years of seeing a marriage counselor
they would have the ideal marriage and are only going for fine tuning at
this point. I don't know why I am still shocked when I find out that
they are worse off today than when they first started marriage
counseling. Obviously, commitment to their marriage is definitely not
one of their problems; otherwise they wouldn't have agreed to get help.
Think about how committed a couple has to be if they are faithfully
coming in week after week, month after month, year after year, to
discuss their marriage issues. Yet every day, a committed couple files
for divorce because a marriage counselor feels that they have done all
they can do and there is no future for them. After all, if a
professional marriage counselor gives you this advice, it must be true.
My life's work says it's not true.
Here is an email I received from a man who was fed up and wanted an
alternative to marriage counseling.
Marriage Counseling Did Not Help After 5 Years
My wife and I have been in marriage counseling for five years and things
have gone from bad to rock bottom! We started five years ago. We were
having some marriage problems and wanted to get an objective point of
view. Well, we have been faithfully coming twice a month and now we are
in a position where we are both ready to file for divorce.
It now seems that there are three people in our marriage and we can't
seem to make a move without consulting our counselor. I can't tell you
how many times a week my wife or I will say, "I need to run this by
John.", or "We better not make a decision until we see what John
thinks." I realized how insane this whole thing was last week when my
company asked me to go to the west coast for a few days to finalize a
deal with a new client. My immediate thought was, "I have to check with
John to see if he thinks this would take too much time away from the
family."
I know it's crazy but I feel that we need to find a therapist that can
help us detach from our therapist. My question for you is, that after 5
years, is it time to say goodbye to marriage counseling and fend for
ourselves? - Ted
Here was my reply:
Dear Ted: Since you are the one who said that it has gone from "bad to
rock bottom," it is clearly time to move on and stop going for marriage
counseling. It is a shame that, instead of giving you the tools you
needed to solve your problems, your marriage counselor has manipulated
you both into thinking that you can't make a move without consulting
him. It is the same crippling upbringing that many children get. The
goal in child rearing is to give your child roots and then wings. It
ought to be the same when couples go for marriage counseling. I am sure
that you are not alone and many couples are having the same dilemma.
Therefore, my suggestion would be to give the marriage counselor a
deadline to end marriage counseling and tell him that you would like a
summary of what needs to be done on your own. Perhaps a follow-up
session to see how you are doing would help.
Marriage Counseling Alternative Secret
Here is the secret to turning your marriage around. Are you ready? Your
thoughts have energy. So, to create what you want, it is important to
think that you already have what you want. If your spouse is thinking
about separating and that is what they are using their energy for, I
want you to counteract that negative energy with three times the amount
of positive energy.
I want every waking thought to be about staying together. Every night
before you go to bed, think about what you have learned on my CD
programs and the changes you are capable of making. Then picture
yourself executing my homework assignments and your mate reacting in a
positive way. Every evening before going to bed, picture you and your
spouse laughing and enjoying each other's company. Be as detailed as you
can. To help you, you can bring up the past when you were truly happy
and content. Lastly, picture looking into each other's eyes and imagine
the same passion that you used to feel. Repeat this exercise before you
get up in the morning.
For your situation to change, your energy, your thoughts and your
actions must all be focused on the outcome you are seeking. Do not pay
attention to any negative thoughts. If one comes up, then override it
with a positive thought. For example, if you have the following thought;
"It is only a question of time before my mate walks out the door." Talk
back to that thought and say, "That is not true. Once they see the
change in me, they are going to want to be with me forever!"
It is also so important to be surrounded by people who are positive and
supportive of your marriage because their thoughts affect you as well.
If you are working with a professional and they believe that it is going
to be difficult to save this marriage, stop going to this individual! If
your friends, co-workers and family begin bashing your mate, it's only
because of what you have told them in the past. Change what you tell
them and they too will change their thoughts.
I hope you will join me on an incredible journey that will prove to
everyone you know, that it is never too late to turn your marriage
around.
